“What have I done wrong, why is he (she) cheating on me?”
This way of thinking it’s wrong from the get go because infidelity doesn’t always come from lack of love. Most often it occurs because of desire, it’s due to personal evolution, and not because of the significant other.
Marriage went through many changes over time, going from the transaction of the past, to present day when marriages are not necessarily imposed, but sometimes, due to stress and economics, there is still not much freedom.
Only in modern times, for the first time in marriage appeared the notion of happiness, and in the 20th century roles in relationships began to change substantially. We don’t refer to the traditional family, having the man as the main provider and the woman as steward of the household, caring for the children. In contemporary relationships, being a woman comes with financial support, being a man also comes with financial support. Man and woman, both can raise children just the same.
The tasks and responsibilities of couples have started to be more balanced, but this greatly destabilizes the couple, because women have evolved significantly in recent years and men have had to constantly adapt to new demands and to changing women. One important difference between women and men is that women more easily communicate about their problems and concerns, and men tend to be more closed about their emotions, they don’t open so easily, it’s not like going out for a beer and discussing “I feel very sad today” or “I’m very poor and angry today”, so even in the case of depression, men show a more severe depression compared to women.
”Why did he cheat on me? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? “
In couple therapy, when partners come up with an infidelity problem, they ask themselves if the other loves him of her. This is the supreme question. Or “what have I done wrong, why is my significant other cheating on me?” This way of thinking about it’s wrong from the get go, infidelity doesn’t always come from lack of love. Most often it occurs because of desire, it’s due to personal evolution, and not because of the other. But people don’t consider this at first, they just need to assign blame and take action.
Everyone has desires. Everyone has fantasies and wants something new, ranging from material things to new sensations. And desire, most of the time, becomes much stronger than the action itself. The difference is when the desire turns into action, and when it turns into action it’s clear that we have outlined, expressed and acted upon our desires.
Cheating doesn’t necessarily come about due to a lack of love for their partners, but due to a lack of desire for them, or certain things in their relationship no longer meet their needs and they say, “I don’t like this and that, and so, and so.” But in fact, turning the mirror, what they really say is that they’re no longer content with what they become by being in that relationship. They are unhappy with how their lives have changed.
Infidelity is related to loss
When we think of infidelity, we think it’s about deceiving, lying to someone, it’s a negative thing, but we never think it’s related to loss. When a person ends up cheating, they do it because of a loss. Some of their needs are no longer satisfied by that relationship. This doesn’t mean that both partners are not happy. They can both be happy in many ways, but at the same time they can also cheat.
When does infidelity occur?
From my point of view, there must be a certain predisposition for infidelity to worm its way inside a family or between two happy people. Most of the time, the onset of the relationship comes with that romanticized part, with discovery, adventure, safety, romance, adrenaline, but all of this during the relationship ends up disappearing. And it doesn’t necessarily disappear, but the relationship begins to mature, partners get to know each other better, interact more, know more defects, not only see the qualities. And at some point, within the relationship, some things happen to make it easier to for infidelity to raise its ugly head.
After a baby is born, parents bring a lot of passion and creativity to the child’s life, but not in their relationship
Most couples end up cheating after the baby appears. We can think that the appearance of a child is a happy moment, which should bring balance, stabilize the relationship even more, but there are some great transformations that appear within the relationship. It’s like going to a diet: the baby is the most important, we love the baby more, all our actions and resources go to the relationship with the baby, but the couple’s relationship is already starting to fall second.
Here are some conflicts for both women and men, and therefore I tend to think that women and men are not always so different because, like women, men are very touched by this experience. I find it very interesting how parents come with a part of creativity and imagination in their relationship with their children: “to bring them the finest costumes, to make the richest parties, to be something very personalized.” A lot of passion and creativity in the child’s life, but not in the relationship.
Why are women cheating?
One difference would be that women get more bored with monogamy, compared to men. This may be unexpected if you believe that that women are providers of security and safety. This is an illusion. Although women choose to stay in the couple, sometimes the thrill is gone.
In general, in a couple there is adventure, the need for adventure, but there is also a need for safety. When women choose to stay, even if there is no more desire, or that the principle of monogamy has diminished, they still feel the need for adventure. And here is a huge difference between women and men – and I don’t want to generalize because indeed people are different – but often men are looking for adventure and women are looking for safety and here, sometimes, a break occurs between partners, because their needs are very different.
The woman is much more present in society than she was in the past, and a huge difference between women and men is that the woman has come to communicate and has always communicated more about her emotions, her needs, needs. The woman, compared to the man, analyzes the situation much more, that is why the woman when it comes to infidelity doesn’t necessarily make it a surprise element, it’s not an opportunity-based infidelity, but an emotion-based infidelity. And the connection, how infidelity works for a woman, first starts with the emotional side, with the satisfaction of a need, and then reaches the side of action.
Why are men unfaithful?
In society we have been accustomed to blaming the men, a cheating man has become the norm. In the past, when men cheated, relationships often did not break. First, because divorce was a stigma, divorcing people either were labeled or did not fit very well into the society they were part of. From a social point of view, they were very affected, so many relationships remained intact, even though things were not working properly within the relationship, and men were allowed, at the cultural level, to deceive compared to women.
Men, even if they don’t talk about their emotions and are more opaque, come with a baggage of insecurities not always visible. And these uncertainties come, first of all, from women’s evolution – she has begun to take on much of her roles and responsibilities before. If in the past a woman needed her husband to change the lightbulb, her husband changed the lightbulb. Now? Lightbulbs can be easily swapped by both sexes.
Roles have changed since the “modern dad” concept appeared. The modern father no longer has the same responsibilities, as in the past, only to work and provide a financial stability . The modern father has to change the diapers, play with the child, interact with the child, have the same activities as women in the past. And this often leads to a huge confusion, the man doesn’t know what to do, the women have big expectations from him, and they can try to do those things , but if they get them wrong, they get blamed and criticised.
Men are more concerned about sexually thanking their partners
Another very important thing is sex. In the past, sex was done for reproduction. But in recent years, sex has become a pleasure, and now men are more concerned about their partners feeling good, they wish for their partner to desire them for pleasure and not from obligation, and all these things come as a pressure in their life. The problem is that women are not aware of the impact this has on men.
The partner has become a whole, friend, lover, lover, husband, father, mother, and in some situations can’t keep up with all the roles
Besides the fact that the relationship itself changed substantially over the last centuries, being a man took a whole new meaning , the partner became a friend, became a lover, became a husband, became a dad, and even became a mother. All of these roles somehow get crowded, and in some situations the partner can’t keep up with all the roles. Many times, I met couples who, when any kind of infidelity happened, the drama of the cheated partner was so great, they didn’t have anyone else in their life. This does generate a lot of pressure.
Infidelity also occurs when the needs we have from the other are not satisfied
We can, from many points of view, be happy in the relationship of couple, the relationship can go on many levels, but on certain segments of the relationship we simply don’t meet our needs.
When partners enter an adventure relationship, they meet certain needs and somehow change over time, and changes can be seen most often by partners. However, most of the adventure is adrenaline because the tendency to hide, to have something that is not allowed comes packed with a lot of things that most often go to a part of adventure and it becomes interesting everything.
The partners, although they are in an adventure for two or three or four years, are not willing to give up the marriage or couple relationship they had and the reasons are very different.
Examples are: “I prefer to stay with my wife because she is a good mother, my mistress would not be a good mother” or “I prefer cheat because I feel validated as a woman, my husband doesn’t validate me as a woman” or “I prefer a little thing on the side because I have some extraordinary sexual experiences, and in my relationship I don’t live these things” and somehow we get to segment, share our pieces and each piece of us gets to get something from the partner and another piece from another partner.
How to detect infidelity
If someone asks “I think my partner is cheating on me, are there any signs to watch for?” the answer should be: “No, not always.”
There are certain periods in any couple when the one needs a moment of freedom, whether be it procrastination or escapism or something else, and the way couples lives are more intertwined with each other, such moments become even harder to bare.
Some partners actually went home with flowers, candy, were more attentive to their life partners, communicating more, interacting more, being more affectionate, more friendly about the relationship, although they had a double life.
There is also the situation when , if one of the partners is having an extramarital affair, becomes critical about his partner or maybe even aggressive or abusive. There were situations in which the partners came to therapy and confessed, “I don’t like you being careless, you don’t care for yourself, you’re staying at home, and you don’t venture out as you used to,” or “You good for nothing… “, or ” you don’t know how to take care of our children “, or “you don’t spend time at home, “came with aggressive or even critical behavior directed outwards, and in some situations this is a sign of infidelity. Why do I say this? Because the partner gets to blame the other for the fact that he feels unhappy, the relationship doesn’t work, his life doesn’t work, he has reached a certain stage in his life, he doesn’t feel satisfied with what is happening , without thinking that in fact his discontent is not related to the other, but to the way he became.
“I am unhappy because I have become so in relation to you, not because you have this, that’s what, because when I got into the relationship I was the same, just that something in the process has changed.”
Some partners end up rejecting the partner’s affection when shown, being quite repulsive, disagreeable, grumpy.
There may also be too high expectations in those who feel guilt for their unfaithfulness. There is no gratification, you can’t just go home and scream “I’m happy because I’m cheating on you”. Most people come back home with fear, insecurity, a state of mistrust, sadness, and they get to be, I would exaggerate if I said paranoid, but at least more prone to become control freaks.
Infidelity can occur in dramatic moments of life
I’m going to say something that is not quite pleasant, sometimes infidelity can occur when the life partner gets sick, when a close person in the family dies or when he himself suffers from a disease. Infidelity can occur when the person’s life happens something dramatic and we have often noticed that infidelity occurs especially when a close person has died. Somehow an emotional exchange takes place.
People are more interested in their well-being: If all is not well at home, he or she may leave in search of another.
Although the divorce rate has increased substantially, another thing I noticed in the couple’s relationship is that besides happiness, to which people have always had the right, people have more access to information, and information leads in some situations to an extremely individualistic character, where people should be more concerned about their well-being. ” If all is not well at home, he or she may leave in search of another”
Partners give up easier and fight less for their relationships
Compared to the past centuries, couples have come to give up much easier on each other and fight far less for their relationships. This is, from my point of view, a very big problem, because that’s why the divorce rate has increased a lot. Indeed, they may have found happiness elsewhere, but there are situations where partners choose to divorce and then regret this because they have not struggled. They focused on their well-being: “my needs are not satisfied, the desire is no longer in marriage,” but they don’t think that that desire or those needs can be satisfied, and those desires can be fulfilled even in the relationship or can be reactivated.
In therapy, usually, unfortunately, couples arrive exactly at the end of the relationship. Same old story: a nice start – with romance, warmth, imagination, adventure, desire, and then we get to know each other better, then we get a little bit bored of each other, then we come to fight, life events occur, child – maybe not always a child, other things may occur – and the relationship gradually deteriorates, and people have no resources to fight for the relationship.
Often, in therapy, people, couples come to argue and reproach, and think therapy is about blaming and not about opening up to each other, listening to one another. This happens daily in their lives, they get critical, they fight, but they don’t really listen to each other, don’t get to understand each other’s needs.